Just Twaddle

A Wonderful Poem

2012-01-17T22:47:00.001Z

Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see, nurses? . . What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?

A crabby old man . . . . . Not very wise,

Uncertain of habit . . . . .. . . With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles his food . . . . . . . . And makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . . . . "I do wish you'd try!

Who seems not to notice . . . . . The things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . .. . . . . . A sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . . . Lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking? . . . Is that what you see.

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding . . . . . . As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten . . . . With a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters . . . . . . . . . Who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen . . . . . . With wings on his feet.

Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . . . A lover he'll meet.

A groom soon at twenty . . . . . . .my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows . . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now . . . . . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.

A man of thirty . . . . . . . ... My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons . . . Have grown and are gone,

But my woman's beside me . . . . To see I don't mourn.

At fifty, once more . . . . . Babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . . .My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . .. . . .my wife is now dead.

I look at the future . .. . .. . . . .. Shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing . . . . . Young of their own.

And I think of the years …. and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . And nature is cruel.

'Tis jest to make old age . . . . . . . . Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles . . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a stone . . . . . . Where once was a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . A young guy still dwells,

And now and again . . .. . . . . . My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living . . . .. . . . . . . Life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . . Gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . . That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . .. . . . . Open and see.

Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too, if we are lucky enough to live that long.

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

Sunday Snap

2012-01-15T22:18:00.003Z

It was frosty this morning. I took this photo and played around with the settings. It went all pastel on me.

2012!

2012-01-05T11:12:00.000Z

So here's to 2012, another year! Have any of you got any New Year resolutions? I've decided mine is to be more positive.....I have a feeling I said the same last year, but never mind, I'll keep trying.

The year started with a very expensive vets bill. New Years day my equine friend decided to get a big fat leg and needed antibiotics and anti-inflammatories. I know she didn't mean it, but really why must she ALWAYS pick weekends or Bank Holidays. Then she refuses to eat the said very expensive medication, so she STILL has a bad leg, and no doubt the vet will be back, this time with injections!

Looks sweet and innocent doesn't she but I'm spending an hour at every feed time trying to persuade her to eat, not normally a problem, she has a reputation for being greedy if anything, but it's like having a very large hairy toddler. She spits her feed out and throws her bucket around the stable in disgust, she's even turning her back and standing with her head in the corner sulking. I hear myself saying " If you don't eat this you won't get any hay". It makes no difference, I can almost here her telling me "Fine, I won't have any hay then, I don't care".

I think I'm going to be doing lots of extra shifts, such is life.

It's Over.....

2011-12-30T18:11:00.003Z

Well I survived Christmas again, it was hard going at times, lots of travelling, but over for another year thank goodness, it's just too stressful.
It's true what they say, you can choose your friends but not your family. The yearly get together should be limited to twenty four hours, any longer and trouble starts, old resentments and bitterness start to rear their ugly heads, and the atmosphere can get decidedly frosty.
This is my plan for next year, what do you think?

I was tempted at times, my hand hovered with the packet over the bowl of sage and onion, but thought I'd better not, anyway I'll need them over New Year to keep me sane at work.
I hope you all had a great time and I wish you all a wonderful 2012.

I'm not ready!

2011-12-10T11:06:00.001Z

New NHS Uniforms

2011-10-19T13:50:00.000+01:00

I thought you may like to know as the NHS is cutting staff, Health and Safety have decided we may need new uniforms.

Starting at the top.

1. A Helmet - This will protect us from frustrated patients hitting us over the head because they are waiting longer and longer for anything to be done. It will also protect our ears from the noise of women and babies crying, the ward door bell, the phone ringing and the patient buzzers buzzing. When eventually attending at the bed side it'll help protect you from banging your head on the over head TV, and light.

2. Shoulder Pads - We will need these to take the constant criticism we'll get for not managing to give the care we should be giving because there are not enough of us to do it.

3. Elbow, Knee and Shin Pads - These are needed to actually get to the patient in the bed. This is like trying to get to the bar on a busy Saturday night. It can take some time to negotiate the assault course of friends, relatives, flowers, balloons and enough luggage to last a year when they are only staying overnight!

4. Stick - This is needed so you can reach the buzzer to turn it off when you get to the bedside. (SEE 3) It will also help with chasing relatives out of the ward at the end of visiting, and for checking under beds and in cupboards in case any have hidden under there.

5. Footwear - We are swapping black lace up shoes for roller skates. This will help us to get from one end of the ward to another in double quick time. The rest of the uniform will protect us from the inevitable accidents.

So....... What do you think of the new look?

At the GP's

2011-09-30T18:24:00.000+01:00

I’ve been to the Doctors this morning, nothing major, just the “Black Dog” rearing its ugly head again. (No offence to any black dogs out there)

Normally you feel like you’re at the start of a race, everyone mentally limbering up in the waiting room, planning what you’re going to say. If you have more than one problem, which is more important to sort out today, there’s only five minutes after all. Everyone around you is doing the same, you can see the cogs whirring, feet twitching, fingers fiddling with key rings and bag straps.

As you step into the Doctors room he or she gives you a cursory glance and hits the stop watch, the Countdown tune starts up in your head, you have to race through your prepared speech before he or she hits the watch again and says “Time’s up!…. Next please”.

Today was different, we had a Doctor without a stop watch. Yes, the appointments were all behind, about half an hour behind in fact, but no one cared, no one lost their temper, or got irritable, and as far as I was aware no one complained. The comments I heard were, at least this Doctor listens to you, and everybody visibly relaxed.

I don't know about you but I'd rather have to wait and have a Doctor who takes their time than have a target driven service.

Showering

2011-09-28T00:51:00.000+01:00

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit ups/ leg lifts etc.

Get in shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure its clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spay mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see partner on the way cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

(author unknown)

Bugger!

2011-09-18T14:47:00.001+01:00

Could it get any flatter? Supposed to be on my way further up North, now waiting for roadside assistance at huge cost. Oh well, such is life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Visitor

2011-09-13T16:05:00.000+01:00

This rabbit has been hanging around our yard for quite a while now. We thought he or she was sick at first, but he looks healthy enough now. He lets us get quite close, but not too close, and he seems interested in what we're doing. If you enlarge the photo you'll see a tear in his ear. I'm starting to wonder now whether he's a dumped pet, people seem to like leaving unwanted animals around the place, so it wouldn't surprise me! I know some pet rabbits look similar the the wild versions, does anyone have any ideas?

I'm just glad he isn't near enough for my cat Alfie to see, he'd think all his birthdays had come at once.

9/11

2011-09-11T15:06:00.000+01:00

I can still recall where I was on this day ten years ago.
I was supposed to be on a study day, but was off sick with a chest infection. I remember switching on the TV and seeing the north tower on fire. I think everyone thought it was a freak accident until that second plane appeared and hit. It was such a shocking, overwhelmingly horrific day, but I was somehow transfixed, weeping all through the coverage.
Ten years on, even though I didn't know a single soul involved, it still has a huge emotional effect on me when watching anything about it.
Some feel we should all move on and put it all behind us, and stop wallowing. I'm not sure what I think, sometimes I agree with that, but it was such a momentous event, it won't be that simple.
Then there are the family and friends of those victims, they will never put it behind them.

Swallows

2011-08-25T01:11:00.000+01:00

These babies have only just fledged this week! Seems a little late in the year, I hope they make the trip to Africa and back, (or wherever they go).

The parents are mega busy, swooping around, just skimming the field, looking for insects, they get so close some mornings when I’m pooh picking. Lovely job!

Think Positive

2011-08-22T23:23:00.000+01:00

Hello, it’s me Eliza Moanalot!

I haven’t been around much on blogger recently, the reason is that I’ve been feeling so negative that I’ve had nothing to say. I’d have just bored you all with my moans and groans, so I thought it best to give blogger a miss for a while.

I’ve decided to make this blog a NHS free zone too. I may slip up every now and then and have a good rant occasionally, but hopefully it’ll be rare.

I’m a bit of a self help book freak, and this is my latest on the road to a new more positive me *shakes head and looks doubtful* it’s worth a go anyway.

I’m looking forward to the first step, it involves a bar of chocolate, look I’m smiling already!

Holiday Inn

2011-08-11T20:39:00.001+01:00

Just a quick post, an email I thought you may like! See you soon!

No NURSING HOME FOR us!!!

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night.

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

£5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance ..... or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

AIDS WARNING!

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......

SENIOR CITIZENS

ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV

(Hair is Vanishing)

(author unknown)

Missing

2011-07-13T18:15:00.001+01:00

Missing - one blog post. Blogpress told me it had published but heaven only knows where it is. If a rant about the NHS appears on your blog I do apologise. Please send it back. Thankyou.

The Cupboard is now closed.

2011-06-23T11:52:00.013+01:00

At last the time has come, and the cupboard is closed. It's been an awful time at work, lots of stress, drama and oceans of tears. We all still have jobs, and we're grateful for that, but it's a big shock.
I'm now destined to work on the "conveyer belt", I'm dreading it, maybe I'll like it when I get there, but I'm considering other avenues of escape, we'll see.

Litha

2011-06-21T00:39:00.002+01:00

I found this on tube, thought I'd share.

Is TV is bad for my health?

2011-06-18T04:50:00.001+01:00

Just lately I have been pondering this question.

I love watching documentaries, I like to know what's going on in the world, and there's a lot that interests me, but, they are all so depressing, and as I have a tendency towards that particular state of mind, should I still watch or not?

I don’t want to turn into the sort of person that wanders around with my fingers in ears and blinkers on, pretending everything in the world is wonderful, but I don’t want to be a miserable old bat either, and that’s what I feel I’m turning into.

I’ve been watching hospital under-covers and as I’m a nurse that has been awful, mainly because I know it’s true! Sometimes I wish they’d show some of the good stuff that goes on too, but that wouldn’t make good telly. I saw Terry Pratchetts moving story of people looking for assisted deaths, its funny how we'll quite willingly help a suffering animal move on to the next world, but a human has to go on to the bitter end no matter what.

A couple of nights ago I watched Jon Snow Sri Lanka “Killing Fields,” that was horrific, no other words can describe it, it was on a par with the Nazi “final solution”. It makes you wonder about the so called intelligent human race.

There are certain subjects I won’t watch, anything to do with animal cruelty is a no no, mainly because I feel murderous by the end of the programme. Maybe I should start reading a newspaper instead, you can distance yourself from it a little if you are not witnessing moving talking real people. I don't know what the answer is, I think we need these documentaries, we need to know the realities of life otherwise we'd never change anything, and the atrocities would just carry on. I just need a little balance, a bit of laughter along with the sadness, so I'll watch a few comedies as well, to lighten my mood.

Help, I'll never get away from the TV.

Still Here!

2011-06-09T01:10:00.001+01:00

Hi all. I haven't blogged for ages, and I have neglected everyone's blogs. I apologise. I'm at work, sitting at the desk in the cupboard, time has finally run out for us, and the cupboard will be closed in three weeks. I still have a job, and I know I must be grateful for that, but it's sad all the same. I'm going to a new ward, and I haven't a clue what my role will be, it's all very vague and airy fairy! Still I suppose a change is as good as a rest, I'll reserve judgement and let you know how it all works out, or not. In the meantime I'll be tweeting on and off, and please excuse me if I moan a lot. Actually, maybe that should be my new name, Eliza Moanalot, night night. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Mr Cameron

2011-05-22T12:12:00.001+01:00

Dear Mr Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed.

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

Also...........
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling,
pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay
£600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of
Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable
to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we
should give each of them a cow.

It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
(author unknown)

Silly Sunday

2011-05-15T10:47:00.001+01:00

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt Fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch.

(author unknown)

Foto Friday

2011-05-13T21:36:00.000+01:00

Just a couple of pictures today.

Horse chestnut tree flowers.

Hawthorn in flower.

Failed!

2011-05-01T09:31:00.000+01:00

I failed the challenge! Thanks to everyone who have commented on my posts, I will catch up with you all.
My excuses for the unfinished task are?

U - Unwell
I had a terrible migraine on Monday, I spent all day in bed in the dark and couldn't stand to move, and certainly couldn't look at a screen.

V - Vomiting
Still in bed and throwing up.

W - Woolly head
Feeling a little better but not up to much.

X - X had already been written and scheduled, so I didn't have to worry about that one.

Y - Young Love
It was the wedding of the year, and I had to watch it. Kate, or Catherine as we should call her now, looked fantastic, that dress was beautiful.

Z - Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
I've been on nights and I'm working again tonight so I need to get some sleep now.
Night night all.

X - the letter.

2011-04-28T02:02:00.008+01:00

I couldn't think of anything starting with X that I could write anything about, I tried going through the dictionary and wasn't inspired at all, so I thought maybe just the letter itself.

We use the letter X for lots of reasons, and as a Nurse I often wondered why X-rays were so called, it was because Wilhelm Conrad, the person who discovered them in 1895, didn't know what they were at the time!

X represents the number ten in Roman numerals.

There is X marks the spot on maps.

We use X to represent kisses too!

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T09:12:00.001+01:00

Have a great day all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

T - Training

2011-04-23T18:21:00.042+01:00

As I've said before I'm doing the Race for Life this year, but I'm also doing the Run for All, the Jane Tomlinson charity run. I should have started training months ago, but as the professional procrastinator that I am, I've only just started!

Needless to say when I move now I look something like a cross between Charlie Chaplin and a Weeble, it's not a good look. Every muscle I possess hurts, it serves me right, I just never learn!

I think I'll be doing more walking than running, but fortunately that's allowed for these events. Thank goodness.

S - Sunny Days

2011-04-22T18:20:00.037+01:00

While I love these sunny days, especially when I have a day off, they're not so much fun when you have to try and sleep during the day!
Usually I'm just dropping off when the hedge cutters and lawn mowers start, then the kids come out to play..... their shrieks and screams of delight are wonderful normally, but not when trying to sleep. Mid afternoon the bar-b-ques start, by that time I give up.
People who have never worked nights just don't understand, they either think you stay up all day as normal and are a superhuman who needs no sleep, or they think you put your pyjamas on when you get to work and sleep there!
When I've had a whole weekend of it and turned into a Mrs Scrooge humbug I have this plan.
At two O'clock on Tuesday morning I'm going to don a headlamp and set off into the garden with the lawn mower, I'll take my stereo outside too so I have some music to sing along to, and I'll mow my lawn. I wonder if I'll manage to finish the lawn before I get arrested for disturbing the peace? Not long methinks.

R - Rabbits

2011-04-21T10:19:00.005+01:00

I am being inundated by rabbit these days, I'm not talking about the occasional rabbit, no it's DAILY. They are in varying states, from very alive to dismembered and half eaten, usually I'm just left with the backend and hind legs! It's when I'm on nights it's the worst. I'm spending my evenings and mornings clearing the carcasses or trying to catch live ones. I'm noticing chewed electric cables all over the house too!

They get behind the washing machine, in the cupboard under the stairs, and the other morning I was sliding into a bath after a long night shift, when I spied one under the radiator in the bathroom. The poor thing had to stay there while I finished my bath.

Below is the culprit, I was blaming Molly at first, but now he has actually bought me four rabbits personally and dumped them at my feet, so there's no doubt. He's so proud of himself, and so disappointed when I either let the live ones go in the fields at the back, or put the dead in the dustbin.

Bad Boy Alfie!

Q - Questions

2011-04-20T18:18:00.063+01:00

I'm late with this today, and I'm sorry for not getting round to blogs for the last few days, I will catch up I promise.
Anyway, to some Questions I've wanted to ask the felines in my house this week!

Where - Where does that cat from next door think he's going? (as I see a ginger tail disappear up the stairs)
What - What has Alfie dragged through the cat flap this time? (see tomorrows post)
Why - Why does Molly have to play with the light switch when I'm trying to sleep? ( she bats the knob on the cord so it bangs against the wall!)
How - How much room does one cat need to sleep?(MY bed, they have lots but never use them)
Whose - Whose bed is this anyway? (Its MY bed)
Which - Which cat threw up on the sofa this time?
Who - Who autographed the certificate I have to take to the study day tomorrow?

P - Postnatal Problems

2011-04-19T06:16:00.006+01:00

The woman of my worst nightmares was admitted to my ward tonight.

If you are a new mother or a breastfeeding obsessed Midwife stop reading now, you may not be happy with what I'm going to write, I can't help that, sometimes I just have to get things off my chest ... Back to this woman...

She was your typical professional, first baby, and had read every book and been to every class by every lay group known to man. She knew all there was to know about breastfeeding - in theory. Her baby was going to be nursed skin to skin and breast fed until he went to university, the problem was her baby was very small, cold, and about as interested in feeding as a teapot!

Her baby wasn't to have formula anywhere near him, when I suggested that we may need to resort to tube feeds with formula as he wasn't feeding, and she couldn’t express any breast milk, you'd have thought I'd said I was going to give him arsenic.

We all know "breast is best" blah de blah blah, but there is a place for formula feed, and this was such a case.

Anyway, this baby is now on the Neonatal unit, exposed to an increased risk of infection, and away from her bedside because she would rather he had an intravenous drip than formula feed!

I have to take many deep breaths in these situations, and walk away and let them get on with it, which is what I did. There was no point me being there, she didn’t want to listen.

Her baby, her choice, but why do people have to be so dogmatic, it drives me insane.

When I hear these types whinging that they didn’t have the candle light home birth, or water birth and that they couldn’t exclusively breast feed, I want to tell them to grow up and to be thankful they have a healthy, albeit small or preterm baby, there are many others less fortunate.

I don’t of course, if I did I’d soon be out of a job. So I smile and sympathise like a good Midwife.

Before any of you earth mothers have a go at me, I know, maybe I need to get a new career.

O - Orbit

2011-04-18T10:16:00.002+01:00

This month humans have been Orbiting the Earth for fifty years.
I love these pictures of Earth from space, the planet always looks so beautiful.

picture from NASA

N - Nursing.

2011-04-16T09:30:00.000+01:00

I've been listening to the news this morning, the Government reckons there are ten thousand more Nurses on the "front line". The Royal College of Nursing has alternative figures, where Nurses have been cut. I'm wondering, what does the Government mean by Nurse?
Most people when they think of Nurses think of the Registered Nurse, or if you are my age, State Registered Nurse as I was once. Now there are Health Care Assistants on the wards, they do much of the duties once done by a Nurse. I have a feeling that it's the HCA's that the Government has increased.
Don't get me wrong the HAC's are brilliant, but I think the Government likes to fool the general public and fiddle the Nursing figures by including the HCA's.
I can only talk about the HCA working in the *cupboard*. She does an excellent job, and apart from giving and checking drugs, she does the same as the rest of us. She has got qualifications, she has NVQ levels 3. So she is qualified - that's another description the Government give, they have increased the QUALIFIED staff.
My Trust are trying to increase the numbers of the HCA's, as those of us who are Registered retire we will be replaced by HCA's when they can get away with it. Eventually there will be one Registered Nurse/ Midwife per shift, the rest of the staff will be HCA's.
So, to those thinking about Nursing as a career, think VERY carefully about how you see your working day as a Nurse. Do you see yourself behind a desk, writing reports, on the phone and computer and directing operations from your chair? Then go to University and do a degree, you will probably only be giving the care while you are a student. If you want to actually give the care, then consider becoming a Health Care Assistant. As an HCA your job will be more secure, your role will most definitely expand, and may be more rewarding. If I was starting out now I would be a Health Care Assistant.

UPDATE - I watched "Dispatches" the other night about the NHS, most of it was about the cuts and trying to stick to Government targets, much of it true. The worst bit for me was they showed a Medical/Care of the Elderly ward, they had a girl working undercover, let me just say I was embarrassed by my profession if you can call it that, the so called Nurses behaved terribly and seemed to spend most of their time on their backsides, and no they were not busy on the phone or updating notes, they were gossiping and slagging off patients. An old women was in pain from sitting in the same position, she wanted help to move but none of them went to her aid. I have to say I was disgusted.

M - Menopause

2011-04-15T10:14:00.001+01:00

Yep, she's arrived, and she is bugging me day and night!

What can I say! I'm suffering at the moment. My friends tell me I need HRT but I'm trying to avoid it if I can. I've started to take Evening Primrose Oil, and I think it's had some effect, but I probably need to give it a little longer.

It's the lack of sleep that's really getting to me. I've never been a good sleeper, and shift work doesn't help, but the constant hot and cold is really starting to get on my nerves. A fridge to sleep in might help, you never know.

As a horse lover, if I do go down the HRT route I'll have to make sure it's a synthetic version, and not made from horses urine. It's a terrible industry see here if you want to know more!

L - Lazy Life

2011-04-14T10:41:00.016+01:00

This is me today, (a lot of days if I'm honest). I WILL be more productive - tomorrow.

K - Kindle

2011-04-13T10:07:00.034+01:00

This is the latest Electronic or e.book I've downloaded, I've got a few now on my phone and computer, but I've now got a Kindle reader, and I love it. It's so convenient to take around with you, BUT, there's nothing like the feeling, smell and look of a real book in your hands, so I wont be giving up on the real thing just yet.
Here are a couple of other e.books I've read, both very different and both very good.

Update - Yesterday my Kindle screen went a little scrambled, I tried all the trouble shooting hints, no joy. So I took it back to where I bought it. They said I must have dropped it, they'd have to get in touch with Amazon etc (I've only had it three weeks, and never dropped it). Anyway, to cut a long story short, they rang Amazon while I was there, the customer services guy asked to speak to me. We tried a few things over the phone to cure the problem but it still wouldn't work, so he said they'd replace it.

In less than twenty four hours my new reader is here, and ready to go! I'm very impressed with Amazon customer services, brilliant.

2011-04-12T12:54:00.000+01:00

Thank you very much Deirdra at A Story Book World, I don't know what else to say. *blushing madly*

J - Joke of the Day

2011-04-12T06:11:00.125+01:00

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slow down in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse)or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the
amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,


The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives
(E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

(author unknown)

I - Inspiration

2011-04-11T10:10:00.001+01:00

I have a distinct lack of inspiration today. So here's a quote from Terry Pratchett. I think I'm fairly open minded, but nothing is going in! Tomorrow is another day I suppose!

H - Horses

2011-04-09T10:46:00.047+01:00

Horses have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I was obsessed with horses as a child, every Christmas and birthday I would plead with my parents to buy me a pony, but no such luck. A friend and I used to have an assortment of "ponies" made out of socks and bamboo canes, they all had names and different personalities, and we would canter around on them for hours.
When I was about six or seven there was a series on TV called "White Horses", it was set in Eastern Europe somewhere, and was dubbed into English, and was loosely based around the Lippizaner horses of the Spanish riding school in Vienna. I loved the title music to the programme, and I had the 45 single of it, and played it constantly, I don't know what happened to it, I either wore it out, or more likely my parents in desperation got rid of it.
I found it on Youtube, shh, don't tell Mum.

G - Ginger Beer and Grissom

2011-04-08T02:00:00.001+01:00

I love G's. What more is there to say :-D

F - Fantasy Fiction

2011-04-07T09:55:00.002+01:00

I've always liked Fantasy fiction, it's something you love or hate I suppose, there a few among my friends who read it. I like to escape the real world once in a while.
It fascinates me that someone can create a world in their head and make it so real. As a child, other than stories about horses and ponies, my favourite books were the Narnia books by CS Lewis, I so wanted to go to Narnia myself.
When I was thirteen I picked up Lord Of The Rings, it had been on the book shelf for years, but as it was all three books in one, it looked daunting to read. I was off sick from school at the time, I read it in three days, I couldn't put it down. I've re read it a couple of times, and I always find something new in it.

Then there are the Thomas Covenant Chronicles by Stephen R Donaldson, a series of six books. It's a long time since I read them, I remember loving the first three, but the second three got quite dark. I'd like to read them again and see how I feel about them now.
I like all sorts of books, but Fantasy has to be my favourite.

E - Emotional

2011-04-06T12:23:00.001+01:00

A very short post today.
This week I finally discovered my fate when the "Cupboard" closes. I arrived at work after a week off to find a letter telling me which ward I was going to. It was a bit of a shock, even though I knew it was going to happen and I'm very sad and emotional about it.
I'm not particularly happy about where I'm going, but there's no choice, and I suppose I should at least be glad I still have a job. The team I've been working with, some for over twenty years, are being split between two areas. There's a chance I'll never work with some of them again.
I know I have to get a grip and get on with it, but there's been a few tears from a few of us. Maybe it's because a lot of us are menopausal too, it doesn't help!
OK time to go blog hopping and see who makes me Smile.

D - Dancing

2011-04-05T10:19:00.002+01:00

How does the saying go?
"Dance as if no one is watching."
I do at home with the curtains closed, and the door locked, the TV and computer off just in case the screen elves can see. The music is loud, and I'm singing at the top of my voice. The trouble is I can't dance and as for the singing, well get out your ear plugs!
Every year though I have to suffer the humiliation of displaying my lack of co-ordination in public. I do the Race for Life, and part of the day is the warm up exercises, semi dance aerobics. I'm the woman beetroot in the face, and about ten moves behind everybody else. When they are all going left I'm going right, when they are up I'm down, it's so embarrassing, but the worst part is the ridicule from my friends husband, it'll give him fuel for the rest of the year.
Oh well, such is life. It's in a good cause.

C - Cherry Tree

2011-04-04T02:28:00.036+01:00

This is my Cherry tree, I planted it myself twenty years ago. If you listen to the video you can hear the bees buzzing on the blossom.

Catching up

2011-04-03T05:13:00.002+01:00

Just a quick post. I'm at work, and I've just got half an hour to try and catch up and visit a few A- Z bloggers. I work nights most weekends so I don't always get chance to blog at home.
I appologise now because work seems to have got smart, and although I can get into my blog, and post it seems, lots of the widgits don't work. I cant see who's following, I cant follow, and on some blogs I can't even comment! I will get round to everyone who has commented - eventually.
Grumpy - Just saying.
BTW - I noticed some C posts are appearing, am I going to be behind? *biting finger nails*

PS. This isn't my C post, just realised it begins with C. (night shift brain)

B - Boobs and Bras

2011-04-02T02:27:00.100+01:00

Why do humans have unruly boobs? (well some humans anyway)

It always amazes me that other female animals only have to put up with large boobs when they are feeding their young, the rest of the time their mammaries are neatly tucked up against their chest walls, out of the way.

Why anyone would want to have a boob job is beyond me, am I in a minority in not wanting my boobs to arrive an hour before the rest of me.

found at fishki.net

Then they have to be controlled, by the bra.

As far as I'm concerned this is about the best use of this device! Who the Hell invented this torture contraption, whoever it was wants stringing up!(by the straps). Most of them are so uncomfortable.

I've been for one of THOSE fittings where they take one look at you and know exactly what size you need. They disappear and return with a pretty lacy thing, it looks nice but it's really just a frilly vice. They haul you in from all sides, then stand back and admire their work. Meanwhile you are turning a nice shade of blue as you try to keep breathing and wonder how long it'll take for the bra straps to cut your arms off at the shoulders.

There is a trend on Twitter at the moment, you may have seen it #BRT (bra release time) and I join in whenever I can, its like taking your shoes off at the end of a long day, you just heave a sigh of relief, I don't care if they dangle around my knees, I don't think they were ever meant to be somewhere under my chin, even when I was teenager.

Time Team should be interesting in a couple of hundred years time, all those silicone implants they'll be digging up, they may even be able to identify people by the serial numbers!

A - Anxiety

2011-04-01T02:26:00.067+01:00

This is my first A - Z post, so here goes.

" I don't have big anxieties. I wish I did. I'd be much more interesting"
~ Roy Lichtenstein~

Anxiety - The definition is - A vague unpleasant emotion that is experienced in anticipation of some (usually ill-defined) misfortune.
So what do I have to be anxious about? Good question. In the grand world wide scheme of things I have nothing to be anxious about at all. I have my health, a roof over my head, food to eat and friends and family I can call upon.
My very minor anxieties are around my role at work. I have worked in the same area, with many of the same people for a lot of years now, and if I'm honest with myself I should really have moved on a long time ago. But although I may not love my work, I've been "comfortable" there, I know what is expected of me, nothing much phases me, and I can cope with almost anything the day, or in my case the night throws at me. Still we need a little anxiety and uncertainty in life I think, it keeps us on our toes and makes life interesting. This year there will be big changes, maybe not all will be unpleasant.

My other anxiety this month will be keeping up with this April A - Z.

Red Nose Day

2011-03-18T18:43:00.000Z

I know its Red Nose Day today and many of us will donate in some way or another, but if you get chance, please visit this site and see if you can help as well. New Sun Rising, is collecting stories and poems for Japan, for an ebook, but go and see to find out more.

Don't Drink To Much

2011-03-17T00:33:00.017Z

I will be!

I'm having my birthday night out with my work colleagues, and I've just realised it's St Patricks Day, so it's going to be busy! Its not really my birthday till next week, but I'm having a combination do with a friend who has also got a major birthday this month. I'm not telling how old I am, so there! But I'm not going to get any older. I may not be around tomorrow, I may be nursing a bad head, so have a good day, see you soon.

Silly Sunday

2011-03-13T09:41:00.002Z

I hope no one is offended by this but it makes me laugh......... must be the warped NHS humour!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

You may be a nurse if.....You believe that every patient needs TLC... Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system some night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and NHS pillowcases. And their presents are wrapped with Transpore tape.

You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.

Almost everything can seem funny .. eventually.

When asked by the doctor what color that patients diarrhoea was, you show them your shoes.
If they missed your shoes, you use the well-known "poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.

You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys,scissors and clamps in your pocket.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when you're on holiday.

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays.

You avoid answering the phone on your day off to in case anyone from the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.

You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car journey.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.

You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to shout if they need help.

Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of a patients orientation you aren't sure of the day yourself. Or if night shift, the month.

You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for a tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.

You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and realise you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...

You pull over in a lay by after working nights because you are too tired to drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.

Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.

You've seen more penises than any prostitute.

You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest. Soon.

If you are not a nurse this is just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental state!
(author unknown)

Meet Bertha

2011-03-09T17:46:00.001Z

Okay, I've been thinking about it for a while, and I've finally taken the plunge. It's an early Birthday present to me. Petrol prices are increasing at an alarming rate, and so are my clothes sizes, so maybe Bertha bicycle will help. I'll let you know how I get on, I haven't been out on her yet!

Goodbye

2011-03-04T18:32:00.002Z

Will see you again at Rainbow Bridge.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-02T12:02:00.000Z

Out Of Shape.

2011-02-27T23:58:00.002Z

I started dieting at the New Year, it didn't last long! Two weeks maybe at an imaginative stretch. I've just devoured a whole bar of chocolate so there's no hope.
I'm toying with the idea of buying a bicycle to make me exercise a little more, only thinking about it I have to say, I have family members who think twenty miles on a bike is just a little jaunt, and I don't want to give them ideas! But I'm going to have to do something, I just seem to be expanding on a daily basis.

I was sent this yesterday. Quite apt.

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!
(author unknown)

Firework

2011-02-23T10:46:00.000Z

I'm loving this song at the moment. The lyrics are great.

Bernard Pivots Blogfest

2011-02-16T13:57:00.000Z

Bernard Pivot Blogfest Is Today

What is your favorite word? - Holiday.

What is your least favorite word? - Unprecedented, I get sick of hearing it in almost every news report.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? - Music, all kinds but mostly R&B

What turns you off? - Food and Home TV programmes, they irritate me to death.

What is your favorite curse word? - Bugger at the moment, it changes.

What sound or noise do you love? - Thunder storms, wind, and rain on the windows. As long as I'm on the inside.

What sound or noise do you hate? - My alarm clock going off, and lawn mowers when I'm trying to sleep. (I'm a night worker)

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? - Archaeology, veterinary nursing or writing!

What profession would you not like to do? - Anything in an office.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - You've finished then, so where the Hell have you been?

Single White Feline

2011-02-14T15:05:00.000Z

For those of us who are single on Valentines Day, thought this was funny. I'd just need to exchange the white cat for a black one, who I'm sure would be twice as vindictive.

The End Is Coming

2011-02-13T23:20:00.002Z

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
~Mary Engelbreit~

I'm trying to change the way I think, honestly I am, but it's so hard.
The ward I work in is closing, some of us have worked in the area since it's infancy. We are all to be split between two hospitals, "progress" they say, "it'll be marvellous" they tell us, "we value your expertise" etc etc
What they really want is to improve the Midwifery numbers without having to employ any more staff and of course, save money.
I have tried to be rational, and think the proposals through in a calm collected manner, but as far as I can see none of these changes will benefit the patients.
There are some huge gaping holes in their plans which we can see but they seem to be oblivious to, or maybe they have been issued with special management rose tinted glasses. The standard comment when you question anything is "It's going to happen whether you like it or not and we have to make it work."

I suppose I've been in the Cupboard bubble too long, but the doors are ajar now, and the view through the crack doesn't look good. It looks like I'm destined to work on the soul destroying Maternity conveyor belt, get em in, whip the placenta out and send them home! (I'll be at the send em home end).
There will be some out there reading this thinking what a lovely job, well, occasionally it is, but most of the time it's just very stressful and you have to find a way of working with both your hands tied behind your back and manacled to your ankles.
I had a meeting with my "Supervisor" recently, I'm afraid I didn't hold back in telling her exactly what I thought of the plans, I was totally unprofessional, and got so annoyed and frustrated that I ended up crying, ugh, ridiculous, stupid I know.
I received a letter in the post the other day with a form attached to fill in. It included my preference to where I wanted to work, I'm not keen on either option. I was tempted to write "the roof", so when I've had as much as I can stand I can just throw myself off!
I'd like to include this from Sage, it just sums it up, but I'm not sure it would go down too well, and unfortunately I still have a mortgage to pay.

I think I'd better shut up now, I've probably given away far to much and my P45 will be waiting for me when I get back to work.
In a way, I wish.

The proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

2011-02-11T23:44:00.002Z

I'm busy early spring cleaning, my home was beginning to look like the hoarding woman in the recent episode of CSI, so I thought I'd better do something about it ....quick. Sorry I haven't visited many blogs recently, I'm way behind! Anyway, here's another e.mail to make you smile, or not! I wish I could dream these up.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime
Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians
said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the arseholes in London .

(author unknown)

The Robot

2011-02-01T14:01:00.000Z

I'm still around, just fighting off the "black dog" at the moment. I was sent this e-mail today, it made me smile :-)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Sunday Sunrise

2011-01-16T09:54:00.001Z

Will get back to visiting blogs this week, just been catching up on work related stuff, ready for a meeting next week!

Twitter Hop Thursday

2011-01-13T13:28:00.005Z

I thought this looked like fun, but in the process of copying this photo I've "lost" the site I found it on!

So if anyone arrives here from wherever I joined in with this please let me know and I'll finish the link.

It must be my age.

Sorry to whoever I got this from :-(

FOUND IT!

New Years Resolutions?

2011-01-01T01:03:00.000Z

I very rarely make resolutions, mainly because I never keep them! This year I've decided to create a few.

1. Smile.

2. Try to see the positive rather than the negative.

3. Be brave, go for what I truly want out of life.

4. Exercise - Another favourite. I've signed up to do the "Run for All 10K" in Leeds, I have done it before, a couple of years ago, well, when I say I've done it, I walked and ran it, this time I'd like to run it all.

5. Loose weight - I know everyone makes this one, but I seriously have to. There are very scary videos and pictures of me out there. I've put on two stone over the last four years, ever since I stopped smoking. It's been creeping on, pound by pound, kilo by kilo, when the fags moved out, the flab started to move in, I've tried to ignore it hoping it would go away on its own, but it refuses to leave, its settled in, and raiding the biscuit tin as I type. So, I've joined Weight Watchers, the online version, so if anyone else is doing the same please get in touch.

Five is enough to be going on with don't you think.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T03:49:00.001Z

2011 is nearly here, and I really don't have any idea what it will bring for me. My life both at work and home are like pieces of a jigsaw, all up in the air at the moment. I'll just have to wait till they all land to see what the picture is going to be.
Normally I don't like change, it scares me, but my life has been stagnant for too long, and it needs a good shake up, and I'm quite looking forward to the challenges.
So 2011 bring it on, I'm ready for you.

I wish all my friends in blog land a very happy, productive, creative and wonderful New Year, may all your dreams and wishes comes true.

Happy Christmas

2010-12-25T02:59:00.001Z

Have a great time everyone, see you all in the New Year.

Luna Eclipse

2010-12-21T10:22:00.003Z

This is the first Luna eclipse on the Northern Winter Solstice since 1638! These photos were taken at 04:50 and about 05:30! I know I'm barking mad.

My attempt at a close up, my camera isn't very sophisticated and I don't have a steady hand.
Here is the eclipse as I saw it. They were taken from around 6 to 7:40.

I think my neighboughs have booked the van to take me away. I couldn't see the moon from any window in the house so I went outside. I stood there in - 12c in pjs, dressing gown and a coat on top. Actually even though several People come out to go to work I didn't see one look at the sky. They might think I'm strange, but I think it's weird that they ignored a once in a lifetime event.

Happy Yule

2010-12-21T01:51:00.002Z

It's Yule, the time of the winter Solstice, when dark starts to give way to light, and the Holly King gives way to the Oak King.

The Christmas Fairy

2010-12-19T00:34:00.002Z

SCOTTISH CHRISTMAS FAIRY

I am a little fairy

On tap o' the Christmas Tree

It's no' a job I fancy

Well how would you like tae be me?

A' tarted up wi' tinsel

It's enough to mak ye boak

An a couple o' jaggy branches

Rammed up the back o' your frock!

An' these wee lights a'roon me

I canna get my sleep

An' there's the yearly visit

Fae Santa - Big fat creep!

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here

While you're a' wirin' in

An' naebody says, "Hey you up there

Could you go a slug o' gin?"

It's nae joke bein' a fairy

The job's beyond belief.

You've got to go roon' the wean's beds

An' lift their rotten teeth.

But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets

An' I've mentioned only some;

The very worst is sitting up a tree

Wi' pine needles up yir bum.

When a' the fairies meet again

By the light of' the silvery moon,

Ye can tell the Christmas fairies

They're the wans that canna sit doon.

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight

As the firelight softly flickers

But think o' me I'm stuck up here

Wi' needles in my knickers.

So soon as Christmas time's right by

An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer,

I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

An' I'll see yous a' next year.

(author unknown)

Nativity Performances Health & Safety/PC Directive

2010-12-17T00:49:00.001Z

Nativity Performances: Please follow guidelines for inclusion of any of the songs below

The Rocking Song
'Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you":
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
"Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way "
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
"While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around"
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
"Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows."
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey
"Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load"
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
"We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star"
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????

(Author unknown)

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-15T12:43:00.004Z

European English!

2010-12-14T22:34:00.000Z

OK, sorry, another silly e.mail. I suspect this is all I'll post till new year :-)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Why is Santa a Man?

2010-12-10T01:02:00.004Z

10 Reasons Why We Know Santa is a Man

1. Dubious dress sense.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. Minimal chance of getting what you ask for.
4. Proudly displays his beer belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. He is usually knocking about with an old bag.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. He never wants to shave on holidays.
9. He always wears the same clothes.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out for him ... and he doesn't wash the plate up after himself!!
(author unknown)
No men take offence please :-)

On Strike!

2010-12-08T14:25:00.003Z

My computer has gone to sleep and refuses to wake up. It just won't charge. It has no excuse it's only six months old, so it looks like it's heading to the "Doctors"...... It better not cost me.

Through The Cupboard Window

2010-12-03T11:30:00.007Z

You definitely see life as a nurse, but the view from the Cupboard window the other night was, well, how can I put it?............different to say the least!

One o'clock in the morning and there are screams and shouts from the car park at the front of the hospital, my colleague looked to see what was going on, (well people have been murdered in hospital car parks after all), there was a young couple, she thought they were arguing at first, but no, maybe they were getting a little amorous? What are they doing on the bonnet of that car? Phew, they are leaving - up the steps they go.
She returned to work only to hear more strange noises from outside, so she went back to the window. She couldn't believe what she was seeing but half way up the steps, under a street light in full view of everyone, skirt was up, trousers were down and ........ well use your imagination, they weren't quiet about it either!
Now I have been young, and I can vaguely remember what hormones feel like, but there is a limit, it's not like there aren't more hidden areas around the place, in fact there are plenty, but no, maybe they thought everyone needed some "entertainment". Maybe we should book her a bed!!!

Last week it was my turn. I heard a lot of noise outside, I hardly dared look out but I did.
A guy, very drunk was shouting abuse at someone or something, I ignored him till I heard very loud banging on a door, he was trying to break in to the relatives hostel opposite. I called security as it sounded like he might kill someone, they came - eventually, huffing and puffing, he'd managed to break the door down by this time.
Watching our security men is quite amusing, they look like a collection of Weebles wobbling along. They need a team from A & E following behind with resuscitation equipment, how they don't collapse with a cardiac arrest I really don't know, (not that I've got any room to talk).
In the end the police were called, and the man was carted off, presumably to the cells to sober up.
I'm going to miss our entertainment when the cupboard closes, but maybe we'll have a new view wherever we end up.

Playing in The Snow

2010-12-02T13:37:00.004Z

Alfie, wondering why this white stuff wont go.

Then he decided to play, I missed the best, but here's what I got.

The Hating Game - Talli Roland

2010-12-01T00:01:00.000Z

Help Talli Roland's debut novel THE HATING GAME hit the Kindle bestseller list at Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk by spreading the word today. Even a few sales in a short period of time on Amazon helps push the book up the rankings, making it more visible to other readers.

Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.to/hNBkJk

Amazon.com: http://amzn.to/hX2ieD

No Kindle? Download a free app at Amazon for Mac, iPhone, PC, Android and more.

Coming soon in paperback. Keep up with the latest at www.talliroland.com.

About THE HATING GAME:
When man-eater Mattie Johns agrees to star on a dating game show to save her ailing recruitment business, she's confident she'll sail through to the end without letting down the perma-guard she's perfected from years of her love 'em and leave 'em dating strategy. After all, what can go wrong with dating a few losers and hanging out long enough to pick up a juicy £2000,000 prize? Plenty, Mattie discovers, when it's revealed that the contestants are four of her very unhappy exes. Can Mattie confront her past to get the prize money she so desperately needs, or will her exes finally wreak their long-awaited revenge? And what about the ambitious TV producer whose career depends on stopping her from making it to the end?

Reviews & Tags
If you do buy The Hating Game and you like it, a review on Amazon would be greatly appreciated! If you don't have an Amazon account, you can also post reviews on Goodreads. Thank you!

If you are on Amazon and in a clicking sort of mood, it would be fantastic if you could click on a few tags ('Tags Customers Associate with this Product' - located underneath the Product Description). Cheers!

Evening Snow

2010-11-30T16:49:00.002Z

More pictures!

Snowy Pastel Skies

2010-11-30T15:12:00.003Z

In my next Life

2010-11-29T02:17:00.001Z

In My Next Life . . . . . .

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T19:51:00.002Z

To all those States side of the pond.

Words on Wednesday

2010-11-24T12:00:00.018Z

Mugwump - What a wonderful sounding word, mugwump, mugwump, mugwump.

I'd never heard it till this week, I found it by accident on an iPhone app.

Def: a neutral or uncommitted person (especially in politics)

That's me, a fence sitter. I'll probably be up on the fence at the big meeting at work on Thursday! It is one of the things that probably gets on friends and family's nerves most, but I can't help it.

The trouble is I can usually see both sides, I have to be extremely passionate about something to get down on one side or other. Animals will normally do it. I will almost always favour the animal rather than the human, and the child rather than the adult.
A word that irritates me is Unprecedented, (are you allowed to be irritated by a word?) I don't know why it annoys me so much, but I think it's because it's used so much. Weird I know, but everyone is a little strange in some way.
Happy hump day to all you Monday to Friday people.

Letter to my Kitties

2010-11-20T09:35:00.002Z

Dear Fur Family,

You are all very beautiful, and I love you all very much, but ...........

I have a special favor to ask you.

Consider this,

You always have food in your bowls, and fresh water, (even if you do prefer the water from the toilet and my bath). You have the run of the house, the freedom to come and go as you please, you have comfort a plenty, and when you get poorly I always make sure you see the vet, even if you don’t always enjoy the experience!

So, when I come home in the morning, having worked hard all night so I can afford to buy the food that you prefer, and pay your vets bills, please please please can my house NOT look like the feline version of the chainsaw massacre. I know they are presents for me, (even if you cant resist eating half of them), but I really don't like raw rabbit, mouse and bird, the feathers and fur would get stuck in my throat.

I know I should appreciate my gifts, but I’d much rather have a purr and a cuddle, instead I have to get the hoover and mop out, and you know how you all hate both.

So if you could refrain from dragging your prey through the cat flap it would be wonderful. Thank you in anticipation

Your ever loving Human

xxxx

ps If you need to throw up, please could you try and do it outside.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T00:00:00.002Z

Flu Season

2010-11-14T08:07:00.002Z

To avoid it... Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & and windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,

'A shot in the glass

is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much

(Author unknown)

Four Years Today!

2010-11-11T09:09:00.000Z

Four years today I gave up smoking, I can't believe it!
After thirty years I finally quit, I still have the occasional urge, but it's fleeting now, and I think if I can survive this month I'll definitely feel I've cracked it.
Yay me *happy dance*

Gobbledygook!

2010-11-08T00:51:00.002Z

I've been Brainstorming this weekend, trying to Think outside the Box, I've even tried a little Blue Sky Thinking, why?
For the last two Saturdays I've received Snail- Mail Communications from my Line Manager at the Health Service Provider that I work for.
The first was to inform me that "We are undertaking a review of the ******** services"
Apparently there is to be a Consultation period, followed by "Open meetings" with Human Resources, and the Unions.
(I'm sorry but my mental image of Human Resources is a room somewhere with boxes of people that they take off the shelves as required, dust off, and post to the appropriate department.)
The second was the dates for the aforesaid Offline Interfaces for which we have had two days notice! We have to notify the appropriate manager whether we can attend, AND let them know what questions we have, "so they can have the data to hand"!!
We also were sent hard copies of commonly asked questions from Human Resources which has worried us somewhat and made us feel as though we are being herded into the unknown at lightening speed, oh, maybe that's what they meant by Ring-fenced?

If I still have a job I think this is the likely scenario.

I have no idea what questions am I going to ask, but I've spent a lot of time on Management speak websites trying to decipher the letters, and the related documents on the HR site. So, at the End of Play I'm confused, disillusioned and knackered. Bye the way, I don't think anyone has considered the Service Users Experience in all this, but still, as long as The Low Hanging Fruit is caught who cares!
I'm off for an Idea Shower now, and then to bed. Goodnight.

I wonder what Knackered is in Management speak? Does anyone know?

Samhain Blessings

2010-10-31T01:40:00.002+01:00

Have a wonderful Halloween.

For the true meaning of Samhain, or Halloween see here

Morning Moon

2010-10-30T09:51:00.001+01:00

Hope you like this picture. I will catch up with everyones blogs soon!

2010-10-27T02:25:00.003+01:00

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he's been in there too long so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says "Billy are you all right? You've been in there for a while"

Billy says "I'm fine Mummy..... I just haven't done it yet."

Mother says; OK, you can stay here a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Love IT!

Billy says "It works on the tomato sauce bottle!!"

(Author unknown)

I'm Decorating........

2010-10-21T23:37:00.000+01:00

Please excuse the change in my blog, I'm decorating for Halloween, normal service will resume sometime in November! Now I'm going to visit a few blogs.

An Award!

2010-10-21T23:34:00.000+01:00

A belated thankyou, thankyou, thank you to Carolyn at Serendipity. I am very grateful, and I'm not sure it is deserved!
I'm supposed to choose fifteen bloggers that I've recently met, but I'm going to choose everybody, as the brain isn't functioning very well - so thankyou to everybody who visits and comments on my blog, you all deserve this award.

Queue for the Loo!

2010-10-20T01:58:00.002+01:00

We must stop cutting down trees, it's getting serious!

Misty Morning

2010-10-17T02:18:00.003+01:00

Sharing

2010-09-29T03:32:00.006+01:00

Happy Mabon

2010-09-23T20:33:00.000+01:00

A little late......

Just Twaddle

A Wonderful Poem

Sunday Snap

2012!

It's Over.....

I'm not ready!

New NHS Uniforms

At the GP's

Showering

Bugger!

A Visitor

9/11

Swallows

Think Positive

Holiday Inn

Missing

The Cupboard is now closed.

Litha

Is TV is bad for my health?

Still Here!

Dear Mr Cameron

Silly Sunday

Foto Friday

Failed!

X - the letter.

Happy Easter

T - Training

S - Sunny Days

R - Rabbits

Q - Questions

P - Postnatal Problems

O - Orbit

N - Nursing.

M - Menopause

L - Lazy Life

K - Kindle

J - Joke of the Day

I - Inspiration

H - Horses

G - Ginger Beer and Grissom

F - Fantasy Fiction

E - Emotional

D - Dancing

C - Cherry Tree

Catching up

B - Boobs and Bras

A - Anxiety

Red Nose Day

Don't Drink To Much

Silly Sunday

Meet Bertha

Goodbye

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

Out Of Shape.

Firework

Bernard Pivots Blogfest

Single White Feline

The End Is Coming

The proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The Robot

Sunday Sunrise

Twitter Hop Thursday

New Years Resolutions?

Happy New Year!

Happy Christmas

Luna Eclipse

Happy Yule

The Christmas Fairy

Nativity Performances Health & Safety/PC Directive

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

European English!

Why is Santa a Man?

On Strike!

Through The *Cupboard* Window

Playing in The Snow

The Hating Game - Talli Roland

Evening Snow

Snowy Pastel Skies

In my next Life

Happy Thanksgiving

Through The Cupboard Window